Glowing?

In the last 24 hours or so, I have been told by several people that I am glowing. I haven’t actually SEEN that many people, so the frequency of the remarks kind of got my attention.

I think that people are mostly assuming that this has something to do with the fact that I am in a relationship. And it’s true… this certainly is a factor.

Richard and I are dating. He is a good man and I am quite fond of him. Obviously, I’m happy. If OTHER people are as excited as they are (the reactions have been amazing), it is surely no wonder that I am also pretty excited. (It’s a good thing. And I am, after all, the one in the relationship.)

However, I feel that I should note that this is not the only reason that I might be “glowing”.

Christine is in a Relationship

At least that’s what facebook says. And the reason that facebook says that, of course, is because it is true.

This has been an eventful (and very emotional) week. First, we had the situation of my Turmoil post. Then came the follow-through for my decisions in that super-vague post. And then I cried a lot. And then I cried a little. Then my relationship status on facebook changed. (Don’t worry, I don’t actually elevate the world of blogland and facebook over the realities that it echoes and dimly reflects.) And then I had an extremely difficult conversation.

And now, at last, I am making final preparations to leave town for a week. In that week, I won’t be on-line and don’t expect to have much opportunity to answer my phone. Don’t expect to hear from me until May 9th or 10th.

I assure you that I will endeavor to be much less vague when I return.

Turmoil

There is much turmoil within my heart right now. Much.

It’s so frustrating. I want to choose wisdom. But there is so much resistance inside of me. I feel so weak right now. So incapable of doing what is in my heart to do. Actually… that’s the problem… it’s not quite in my heart to do this. It just seems like it should be.

The Lord is setting all of these choices before me. Really difficult choices. And they are choices that are close to my heart and relate to very deep issues. There are two in particular that are, with the help of my most precious friends and the ever-present help of that one we call Helper and Holy Spirit, staring me in the face. Yes… they are staring me in the face.

Random Thoughts

- My personality type (INTJ) is supposed to be pretty rare — 1-2% of the population. I now know at least 7 of us. (And I’m pretty sure I don’t know the personality types of 350-700 people.)

- Passivity is a big deal. There are few things more attractive than a man who puts himself out there, walks out leadership, and takes appropriate risks. And there are few deterrents stronger than passivity.

- The other day, I was shaving my legs and thought to myself, You’d better slow down or you’re going to cut yourself. About three seconds later, blood was streaming from my ankle.

- I really love my friends… amazing people.

- I spent 3rd through 8th grade at a truly incredible school. Thank You, Lord, for Hellgate Middle School (& Elementary School). Yay, district 4!

- INFJs and INFPs are each supposed to make up roughly 1-2% of the population. Probably 1/2 to 2/3 of my closest friends/favorite people are one of these two personality types.

- Communication is a very good thing. Even if it’s a little painful and awkward at times… it’s so worth the pain and effort.

- I like chai tea. Yes… I like it a lot.

- I don’t even comprehend the beginnings of the insane prophetic promises that the Lord has spoken over our community. God, I believe You… help my unbelief!

- I think I’ve finally come to appreciate my curly hair. It took 25 years, but I’ve sort of figured out how to work with it. I still hold by this fact, though - thin, curly hair is a pain in the neck.

- Sometimes God answers my prayers with a terrifying quickness. (Sometimes He doesn’t.)

- Trader Joe’s is a wondrous, happy land. Why have I always lived in sad places where they don’t exist?

- I held Ezri Anna Kremer for about 20 minutes the day after she was born. The Lord did something crazy in my heart in those 20 minutes.

- I REALLY want Amber to move back to Kansas City. Lord, sell her house.

- These are the wrong shoes to wear with these Jeans. Oh well. I’ll change later.

- I like beautiful things. And the Lord let me see lots of them when I was in PA.

- It’s amazing how much blood will flow from a tiny shaving-induced nick.

- Money is filthy.

- I love baking.

- These jeans are going to drive me crazy. Must change jeans or shoes! Must… change!

- It’s amazing how much shaving nicks sting. I’m really glad that I have only inflicted these silly wounds on myself a handful of times.

- Relationships are hard.

- Let’s face it… newborn babies are usually pretty funny looking. Ezri, however, is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. Seriously… beautiful.

- People keep calling me a good cook, lately. I feel bad for them, that they are so deceived.

- I recently had a much-dreaded conversation with someone… and it went AMAZINGLY well. I don’t think I have ever had someone so honor me. It did wonders for my heart.

- This whole “fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit” thing is profound. It’s changing my life.

- I love Jurgen Moltmann’s books.

- Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss) was a brilliant man.

- “My personality is to talk loud, fast, and continually.” - Mike Bickle. Beautiful quote.

- Prayer. Brilliant.

Why I Shrieked in the Bookstore Today

When I first started working in the bookstore, books were on sale for bookstore employees. I spent a lot of money. In fact, it took me a while to make as much money in the bookstore as I had SPENT in the bookstore.

I’m not sure if people realize how genuinely true that statement is when I tell them. But I assure you, it took me a while to catch up.

Well… today, I learned something that was mildly horrifying.

I was checking prices on some items that I was about to buy when Amanda asked me, “Do you want to know how much you’ve spent in the bookstore?” I said yes. (Silly girl. Silly, silly girl.)

I know that I spend a lot of money in the bookstore. I was well aware of that fact. But I didn’t have any idea that I spend THAT much money in the bookstore.

Lest we forget: I’m an intercessory missionary. I don’t make a lot of money!

On the bright side, most of it was given to other people.

I’m not going to publish the number here. It’s shameful. But… if you ask me in person, I will gladly share.

Oy…

Quite Changed

In my delirious ramblings about knuckle crunchers, I mentioned some potential bad news concerning a friend. Well, the negative report we feared came later that night. I don’t really want to blog about my friend’s painful circumstances, so please forgive me if I am a little vague.

The friend who had initially alerted me to the circumstances was supposed to let me know when he heard something. As it turns out, bad news is hard to pass on. His text message was never sent, so I found out later that night, when he was at my house.

Unfortunately, a bunch of my friends were over at the house when I got the news. Not the greatest timing. I tried to finish eating. I tried to continue to be present and celebrate-y with the people in the room. I tried. But it wasn’t going particularly well.

I felt the look on my face. Do you ever have those moments when you realize that you probably look really angry? That was me. And I was beginning to feel it to. I had that tense, angry feeling I get every time I am trying to push something down, every time I am trying NOT to feel.

Too cute

This is what I am hearing in the background right now.

5… 7… 6… 8… 7… 9… OK, I’ll pause, I’ll pause… OK… 13… 13… 14… 14…

I think there’s still a bit of an echo. I think I’m behind you. 33-3… 34-4… 35-5… 36-6. OK, I’ll pause again. 47-7… 48-8… 49-9… Oh, now I’m behind you.

Why do your speakers seem so much louder than mine?

Yes, that’s right. Andrea and Wendy are sitting in my living room and synching the webstream on their computers. It’s priceless.

Mmm… and out come the in-ears. I think they gave up. Well, I’m glad I got to witness their valiant efforts while they lasted. It was delightfully entertaining.

Knuckle Crunchers

I just had my first experience with the knuckle crunchers at the bookstore. And this joyous opportunity (to experience a very long and drawn out process with every single customer who approached our counter) came when I was deliriously tired.

Shortly before I went to bed last night, a friend of mine told me some potential bad news concerning a mutual friend of ours. I was stirred up to talk to God concerning the negative report that may come later and to ask Him to act on behalf of the ones He loves… to do what is in His heart.

Well, I went to sleep anyway (because sleep is important). But it didn’t last for very long.

I may have woken up because I wasn’t feeling very well. In any case, I woke up. But I couldn’t get back to sleep because I couldn’t stop thinking about my friend. I just lay there praying… and praying… and praying… and thinking about who God is and what He loves… and praying.

I have a relatively full day ahead of me and I knew that my present sleeplessness would keep me from making it into work at 3. So I decided to just go and get some things done at the store while I was going to be awake anyway.

And that’s where the knuckle crunchers enter the scene.

Goodbye, Miss Good

I’m really sad right now. About 5 hours ago, Amber Good left Kansas City. Left.

About a month ago, I had the opportunity to be only mildly sad when this moment came… but I didn’t take it.

I didn’t start really getting to know Amber until it became official that she was leaving. NORMALLY, in a case like that, I think I would keep the relationship at the friendly (but relatively surface) acquaintance level in which it already existed. You don’t start investing in a friendship with someone when they are about to be gone. You’re just opening yourself up for all kinds of pain when you do that.

Oh yeah… and the joy of getting to know a really fantastic person. You get that, too.

So, I’m really going to miss Amber. I’m not saying she became my best friend over night. We still know relatively little about each other and about our lives. But, I took a little bit of time to discover who she is. And I opened myself up to be known, rather than following my usual instinct to hide from people.

I will miss Amber’s sense of humor. (She really is one of the funniest people I know.) I will miss her openness. I will miss watching the way she responds to people and to situations… the way she takes on life. I will miss Amber’s gift with words. I will miss hearing about her dreams. I will miss those moments when something she is passionate about comes up and you can see little glimpses of that passion.

It would have been “safer” to just leave things as they were. But I’m glad that I got to know Amber Good before she left. I’m pretty sure she’s coming back, anyway. God and I have been talking a lot about it.

Walking, Dreaming, Writing

Yesterday, I woke up and my thoughts were poetry. It was like my spirit was singing.

I have words racing through my mind all the time. Yesterday, they were dancing through my mind. They weren’t frantically striving for function… they were playfully and gracefully interacting with one another and finding beauty.

It was like the difference between rushing to a meeting and walking in the mountains, just to walk. Such walks have purpose, but their joy and life isn’t squeezed out for the sake of greater efficiency.

The difference in the words that morning wasn’t a matter of mere pace. The words did move more slowly and casually, at times, just as I may take things in and progress more slowly in a walk through nature. But, in moments, they also had that energized quickness that the mountains so easily awaken in me.

The words were beautiful. There was rhythm… cadence.  It really was like a song.