Sometimes I wonder if it will ever become difficult, truly difficult, for me to shut down emotionally. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be so alive that I can’t so easily deaden myself.

More specifically, I wondered tonight.

In our worship team briefing tonight, we talked a bit about solitude and silence. (Popular topic, considering our two months of voluntary 12am-6am silence as a community.) We talked about the way that, in the place of solitude, you encounter your anger and your grief.

Anger and greif… ick. Not tonight. Please, not tonight. I’m too tired for this.

Near the beginning of the set, I was talking to the Holy Spirit and I told Him I didn’t want to encounter my grief right then. I told Him I didn’t want to cry that night. I immediately started crying.

It was too much. I shut it down… as quickly as possible. I then proceeded to do everything I could to keep from ACTUALLY praying (i mean… actually talking to God… my friend, my Father, my comforter… the one I talk to every day). I really didn’t want to cry. I really didn’t want to feel pain.

It was an immensely boring (and frustrating) set. I tried reciting my Hebrews memorization for a while. I tried doing a lot of things… just to distract myself from accidentally talking to God again.

I realized a lot of things tonight. I’ll give you 10:

1. I don’t love Him when I don’t feel pain. I can’t. The only way I don’t feel pain is when I choose not to feel. All the words that I sing become empty… hollow. They mean nothing. I remember when they meant something, but they are just words. Gratitude is gone. I cannot love God when I shut my heart down.

2, Hiding from the Holy Spirit is freaking impossible!!!

3. Just whispering the words or barely forming the though of “I miss her” causes a surge of pain to rise up within me. I don’t understand it. But there is still so much pain there. It still hurts so much. I miss my mom.

4, I really do want to feel. I really do want to love God. I really do want to have an open and alive heart. No matter how desperately I may plead with God that I don’t want to feel. I always end up repenting and confessing truth, in the end.

5. It’s still really easy to fall back into my old “kill the emotion!” habits.

6. I’m really confused. I don’t know how not to be hypersensitive and still have a functioning and alive heart. When someone tells me that I AM hypersensitive, my first instinct (which I fall into even unconsciously) is to shut my heart down and not feel anything. I don’t know what it means to be healthy.

7. I’m scared. Really scared.

8. I always laugh harder after I’ve REALLY cried things out for a while. It feels good.

9. I kind of said this already, but I really miss my mom.

10. There are a lot of painful things in life. A lot of them.

So… it was an interesting night. I did (after much successful pursuit of distraction and lengthy avoidance of the prayer room and, especially, of prayer) eventually stop and talk to God. I felt. It hurt. I cried.

And there’s PLENTY more where that came from.

Our community is ever in a state of flux. Perpetual, significant change is just a norm. The intensity and the facets of the seasons of transition ebb and flow. Sometimes there are simple, gradual changes. Sometimes there are huge changes like death and birth, people leaving the country, people leaving the NightWatch.

We seem to have passed into another one of those high-intensity transitional times again.

First, we have the circumstances of change:

The NightWatch schedule is changing for the first time in several years. We almost shifted a few sets around, several months ago, but that very quickly popped back to exactly what it had been for the last several years. We’ve had worship leaders change. We’ve had complete teams disolve and new teams start. But this is the first time in a VERY long time that the whole schedule is being rearranged. And I’m actually really excited about this change.

Two of my closest friends are leaving the NightWatch. Two of my closest friends… who I love and enjoy and spend a great deal of time with. In the past, I might have joined in with those who grieve as if our friends are dying or leaving the country, to never return. I know that our relationships will change, but I know that they are not completely leaving my life. I have peace about the change.

Perhaps death is what has sobered me to the impermanence and potential good of people leaving the NightWatch. Nights to days ISN’T permanant and irreversible. And their lives will continue, as will mine, and the movements of our lives will not be completely without intersection. Not like the aching emptiness of a life that ends and will never dance in and out of my own life again… until the day when everything changes and is restored and made new.

Death has also weighed in a lot in the last month or so. The kind of change that is utterly beyond our control and jolts everything out of place. Change that is not temporary, except in a far broader scale. Sometimes, the comfort of the resurrection isn’t comfort enough. Sometimes the groan for His return and His justice on the earth become so consuming that it seems impossible to keep going. But the same Spirit that groans within me and continues that perpetual cry for Jesus’ return is the Spirit that quickens me to life… filling me with joy and strength and courage to keep living… living fully.

In the week where death had already thrown everything into question and I was deeply wrestling through the “HOW LONG?” dialog that also appears in many of the Psalms, more death seemed to be around every corner. A couple lost their baby. The beloved Dr. Null passed away. Grief and loss spattered my already doubtful, grasping, desperate, and questioning existence. But His leadership is perfect and He continued to lead me through those murky waters. My hope waned and shifted, and it took on a completely new form once it has passed through those refining fires, but hope endured (or perhaps died and reemerged from) those flames.

New life is also an element of change in our community right now. Several of my friends are pregnant. While we are still months away from meeting these babies, God is already shaping their whole selves. Talk to the Lord about a baby who is not yet born and you begin to understand how real and alive they are in the Lord’s eyes… how much He already has in His heart for them. It’s so moving, as He shares glimpses into those lives. Not to mention the constant physical changes that are happening in the baby and even the woman’s own body. (Just ask any pregnant woman… she is well acquainted with steady change.)

My personal schedule and staff designation are also changing… praise the Lord. My days of operations staff are ending and I am returning to a full-time staff designation. This means that I get to spend more time in the prayer room. The prayer room kind of shifts into a higher level of priority again. I am SO excited about this change.

Our government is also in the midst of significant transition. Approaching elections and the leadership shift that follows. Shifting economy and nationwide financial panic. Constantly changing international climate.

Even my relationship with Richard has recently seen significant transition. We’re still moving at a slow pace, but there are firsts in a relationship that naturally make things different after they have happened. Things like the first REAL fight (of a certain nature, at least)… where I was actually fully emotionally present in the midst of the conflict and the majority of our night off was consumed by tearful confrontation.

Let us not forget marriage. Tom and Natina are married, now. And I am going to three more weddings this month. Weddings are pretty significant transitions, if you ask me.

Also, beginning next week I will be teaching again. At least SORT OF teaching. I am partially teaching a class on the book of Daniel for a group of NightWatch Media Apprentices. We’ll meet for three hours, once a week, up until Christmas. I will be teaching about half of the material and facilitating discussion as we go through Allen Hood’s Daniel class. It’s exciting, but also drags me a bit out of my comfort zone again.

Too many things are shifting and changing right now to name them all. But you can surely see from the list that I have already given that there is a lot of transition in our community right now.

I am going to dedicate another post to my general feelings on change at this time.

So, during our midnight intercession set tonight, I’m pretty sure that Ms Leah Chandler was praying for me. Well, she was praying for the church in Kansas City… but as she prayed it felt like she had been eavesdropping on my conversations with God. Or at least my conversations with Amanda… or my reading blog. I haven’t had a prayer hit me like this in a long time.

I would tell you how many times I have listened to that prayer on the webstream… but it would be moderately embarrassing, and I stopped counting anyway.

See… this is what happens when you pray the word. You find people in the midst of their deepest struggles and give them strength, courage, and hope.

Leah’s prayer was good. So good that I decided to type it up (and the antiphonal stuff that the singers were doing). All of the bold font is Leah… the choruses are italicized. It doesn’t really matter. They were all praying together.

Here it is:

I’m going to continue praying for the church in this city out of 2 Thessalonians 3.

Pray for us that the word of the Lord would run swiftly and be glorified, just as it is with you, for the Lord is faithful, who will establish you and guard you from the evil one. Now may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the patience of Christ.

Lord, I pray, that today Your light indeed would break in. That it would be like a hedge, like a fire, all around the hearts of every Christian, every believer in this city. Lord I ask that the evil one would not have access to Your bride in this city. Lord, that he would not be able to come and steal the truth from their hearts. Lord, that the word that has been planted within their hearts would be guarded. Lord, I pray that nothing would come and snuff out the truth that is within the hearts of the believers in this city. Let Your word be a hedge around them. That they’d be guarded from the evil one. Guarded and established in the word of God. Lord, that they would stand firm against the attacks and the schemes of the enemy. Lord, I pray that Your bride would rise up and take a stand with the sword of the word of God in her hand and use it as a weapon. For our battle is not against flesh and blood, but is against principalities of darkness and every wicked force of this world. Lord, let Your bride arise with the word in her heart. With the word in her mouth, speaking it against the strongholds over this city. Lord, I ask that you would guard Your bride. Guard her and establish her from the evil one in this city, I pray in Jesus’ name.

Come guard Your bride from the evil one

Having done all, just stand

Guard us with Your word

With Your word in our hearts. With Your word in our mouths.

Would you put your word in our hearts.

That we would stand firm, with the word of the Lord

With truth in our hearts.

That having done all things, we would stand

We would stand

That we would stand
With the word of the Lord
And Your truth in our hearts
Oh, guard us from the evil one.

Release Your truth. Hedge us, God. Come, God. That we would stand. The truth in our hearts. Guard us God. Let your truth bind us up and hedge us in. Establish us, God.

I just declare over this city, “The Lord is faithful. The Lord, your God, is faithful. He is a strong tower. His name is a strong tower, a mighty fortress.”

Lord, I pray that your bride in this city would run into the strong tower of Your name and find refuge and security in the strength of your name, in the power of Your word. Lord, that we would not be tossed to and fro by the winds, by trials and tribulations, but that we would stand in the confidence of Your name and who You are. I declare over this city, “The lord is faithful. The Lord God is faithful. Faithful to those who say yes to the king of kings and the lord of lords. Those who are marked with the blood of Jesus have a strong tower, run into the strong tower of the name of Jesus Christ.” I declare over this city, “The lord is faithful.”

Let us run into your name and be saved.

A mighty fortress is the lord.

Faithful and true

We find our hope in you, oh God

We find our hope in you

Strong tower

We find out strength in you

We place our trust in you, Lord

All our trust, God. You are able to guard us.

A mighty fortress is the lord, our God

You are able to keep us. This is who You are. We trust you, God. You’re able to keep us. Able to guard us. This is who You are. You are faithful. Mighty God.

A mighty fortress is the lord, our God
(You’re faithful and true)

I love what we do.

As a NightWatch community, we are taking yet another step in consecrating our time of prayer before the Lord.

A year and a half ago, we did a thing that we called 90 Days of Consecration. The like-mindedness and eager participation of the entire NightWatch community, when our leadership called us to this consecration, was astonishing. And the 90 days had a profound, lasting impact on our community.

As a part of the 90 days of consecration, we removed all talking from the prayer room, with the exception of communication necessarily to run the prayer meeting.

Around the clock at IHOP, there is a general rule of limiting conversations to 30 seconds. While it’s a nice idea, these typically turn into a string of “30-second” conversations and you will see a lot of talking in the prayer room. (And it really is amazing how distracting a 30-second conversation can really be.)

After the 90 days had ended, we decided to permanently institute the no-talking rule. The truth was, we really liked what it did to the feel of the NightWatch. I truly am stunned by what this did to create a more sacred place for prayer… further enabling us to do what we are here to do.

For the next two months, we have been invited to a voluntary “Silent Siege”. From midnight to 6 AM, they have encouraged us to make it a time of silence, before the Lord. We still sing and pray in the prayer room, and communication necessary to lead the meeting will still happen. But what we are now working to eliminate are the conversations just outside of the prayer room, in the lobby, bathroom, and halls (and the groups of people that tend to gather in front of the building).

There are a lot of little phrases that we are holding as somewhat of a banner over this new consecration, but one of the simplest and clearest of them is: “Silent night, holy night.”

I believe that this consecration (or fast, which you could call it) is going to be a really significant season for our NightWatch community. As we consecrate our time of standing on the wall (all NightWatch staff are asked to keep 36 of their 48 service and prayer hours between midnight to 6 AM, 6 nights a week) we are focusing in on praying for the upcoming elections and the ending of abortion, among other things. (I am perhaps too tired right now to be blogging well about what it is that we are doing.)

When Stuart brought the idea before us, he asked those who wanted to commit to this silent siege to stand up. Virtually everyone in the room was standing. Again, I am overwhelmingly encouraged. We really do go further when we are acting as a community. Unity and like-mindedness are priceless.

The invitation came on Saturday night and we began the Silent Siege tonight. My general reaction to the change: this is a really good thing. I am excited and really do have a lot of anticipation concerning the next several weeks. Specific reaction to one aspect of the experience: riding in the car (from one prayer room to the other) with your boyfriend and a friend IN TOTAL SILENCE is VERY interesting.

Personally, I am both excited and frightened, as we head into this. On one hand, I’m borderline giddy, on the other, I’m terrified. I cannot argue that this thing is not divinely orchestrated. But that is not purely a comforting thought at this moment.

But THAT is a subject for another post.

I just wanted to make a quick announcement…

I am switching back to nights! No more partial nights. I’m back on the night watch!

David gave the OK yesterday. He and Kristen have their apprehensions, but they were willing to give it a try. This is such a good thing. I think it will even help with my job… seriously.

Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy….

I stayed in the prayer room until about 2:45 tonight. It felt like coming home.

I don’t know if I will ever feel at home on a day schedule. I was made for the night watch. I do not doubt that. I’ve always loved staying awake through the night to commune with the Lord. Though I don’t understand it, there has always been something different about the night time for me. And here, He has given me a community in which I can stand through the night in the place of prayer and adoration.

I’m not REALLY back yet. I still have to teach in the morning. Which means I still have to go to bed by about 3am every night. I can’t pretend that this will be easy. It will take a lot of discipline to go to bed on time. But I imagine it will be a great deal easier than going to bed at 9:30 pm!!!

Being on days, I could never really get over that homesick feeling. I knew I was out of place. I was longing for the night watch… how absurd must that seem?

I guess it’s kind of like the groan and longing that I feel in the midst of this broken, fallen world. My pain tells me that it’s not right… that I’m not at home. I belong in a world where sin and death no longer have dominion. I belong in unbroken fellowship. So long as creation is groaning and longing for His return, when He sets everything right, I will feel that homesick ache. This isn’t what I was made for. This is not the context in which I was made to dwell.

I just had to pause for a moment to say that. I really miss the night watch.

I am beginning to love teaching more and more every day. Which doesn’t mean that I’m entirely giddy about it… or even ready to consider signing up for another year… but I am at least gaining confidence that I am going to make it through this year.

I love my students. They are wonderful. I really don’t love days, though. People always seem shocked when they ask and I give them that honest answer. Maybe if I saw the sun more often. But still… probably not. I’m pretty sure that I really, actually WAS made for the night watch. I know that might sound crazy… but the last month and a half have really strengthened that belief.

It’s not that I am completely without relationships or anything. Or that the prayer room is a dead and barren place during the day. I have friends. I love the 6 am section. I just don’t like sleeping at night.

Well… that isn’t exactly true. I have found that sleeping while it is dark outside is actually quite amazing. But I don’t enjoy it enough that I couldn’t make the sacrifice.

I don’t sleep that well, anyway.

Speaking of such things… I need to go to bed. My bed-time is in 1o minutes, and I have decided to be violent about my sleep schedule for the next two weeks. I needed to do something. So I’m giving it my all for the next two weeks. And if things STILL aren’t working at all, I will re-evaluate my schedule. Something’s gotta change.

To those who are standing through the night and praying… I love you. I love what you are doing and I love the way that you are setting your lives before Him. The night watch is such a beautiful community. I miss you guys. And I absolutely love and respect the way that you are corporately going beyond what is required of you and really seeking to do this thing with excellence. You are such leaders in the house. You really do contribute a lot to our IHOP family. And not just between the hours of midnight and 6 am.

I am grateful to know that you are praying while I am sleeping. Or… while I am trying to sleep.

OK… five minutes to hopeful lack of consciousness. Gotta run.

The contents of my desk aim to communicate two points: the night watch does like me and my roommate is brilliant.

Now, when my amazing boss viewed the glory that is before you, she didn’t exactly come to that conclusion. Perhaps concerned about the fact that my desk was beginning to resemble someone’s pantry, she asked if I was storing up for winter.

As great as that could be, those drinks are not the beginnings of such a stash. AND… the entire front office of the bookstore could probably not contain enough drinks to get me through the winter.

Given Kristen’s intelligence level and the fact that the above sight did not make her go “Oh, the night watch loves Christine!”… I suppose most of you have not come to that conclusion, either. I will explain…

I’ve probably had about 7 or so nights that I called my “last night” on the night watch. There was my last night with my team. (I couldn’t quite make it to 4am anymore. My body was beginning to revolt against me.) And then there was what I called my “official” last night. And then we have every night since then… inclusive of tonight. (It’s 3:30 am and sleep refused to come to me five hours ago when I sought it with eager expectation.)

Well, this post is about the “official” last night. It was my team’s night off, so we were having a bit of a celebration on the occasion of my departure from the night watch.

For said celebration, Amanda told everyone that they were required to bring me a drink. As some of my previous posts have indicated… I have a bit of a drinking problem.  More often than not, I have at least two drinks around me. What can I say? I like to stay hydrated. And liquid is my favorite medium for consumption of caffeine and sugary anti-health.

And so they did. They brought me drinks. Beautiful drinks. Smart water, vitamin water, tea, hot chocolate, chai, capri suns, and more. It was a beautiful night. And all of the drinks are things that I love.

One daywalker was also in attendance that night. (Actually, he’s more of a half-breed.) He brought me water AND cookies. And now we see why I am on days. They like me more. They give me drinks and cookies. (He also gave me sunglasses and a flashlight. The flashlight has been oddly useful in the last few days. I’m not used to locating my bed when it is actually dark outside.)

Now, if that ends up leading into a war of affection between my day and night friends to prove who loves me more… well… so be it.

Side-note:
Puzzled by the box of kleenexes?

I came into the office one day to discover that Kristen had super-glued them to my desk. As they are rather convenient, I have decided to leave them where they are. It is a bit weird, though, when someone reaches over my head to grab a kleenex out of the box. That has actually only happened once… but it was weird enough to be noteworthy.

You may also notice the bookmark that is poking out from behind the kleenex box. On another occasion, I entered the office to discover the bookmark stapled to one of the kleenexes. Thank you, David Scoggan.

The bookmark was less practical, as it was placed. It kind of obstructed my view of the super-low-resolution-and-kind-of-rather-smallish computer monitor at my desk. I pulled it out, but I can’t bring myself to remove it completely. (David keeps random stuff, too, so I consider myself justified. There’s nothing quite like “but look at what he did” justification.)

I thought it might be good to make this general announcement:

I am leaving the night watch.

Yes, it’s true. I am actually switching to days. The biggest reason is my decision to accept the teaching position with the Daniel Academy. While the modified night watch schedule that I came up with would probably be doable, I will be a much better teacher if I just switch to days.

It finally just came to the point where I realized that I couldn’t do everything. My team is kicking things up a notch and beginning to schedule a lot more things outside of our regular night watch sets and briefings. David was asking questions and greater responsibilities were popping up with the bookstore. And… I had made a commitment to teach Geometry for this next school year. Scheduling conflicts were popping up everywhere.

So, there it was. A giant fuchsia penguin holding a violin. (OK… the only reason I just wrote that last bit was because I had no recollection of typing “So, there it was.” AND I had no idea where I was intending to go with that. But there it was… with my cursor flashing at the end of it.)

Anyway, I had to make a decision. I prayed about it a lot. I thought about it a a lot. I talked to several friends about it. I talked to Clay about it. I talked to David about it. And I made up my mind.

I will be doing the morning section… 6am to 10am every day. I am hoping to jump in with my old prayer room team (that I was unofficially a part of back in the days when I stayed up until 10am or 2pm every day.)

Because of some commitments I have made and some inconvenient circumstances, I will not be switching until the 27th/28th of July. (I will just get up and go about my day regularly on Friday and then stay up until 10pm on Saturday.)

I will tell yall soon about the other big decision that I made today. So… be watching for part 2.

It’s official… our worship team is THE baby team.

Very soon, Sarah will be officially joining us. So we have BOTH of Timothy’s parents. Travis and Jessica are both on our team (baby coming VERY soon). Sommer, Clay’s beautiful mom-to-be sister, has just jumped onto the team. That’s three babies on our team. All of the babies I am aware of that are still on the night watch.

It makes sense, really. You would expect the families to stick together in this wonderfully weird little night watch world.

Now… for the rest of us unmarried singles on the team…