Accidentally Studying Song of Solomon

I realized yesterday that I have been accidentally studying Song of Solomon for the last few weeks. I REALLY didn’t mean to.

First, Anne had me working on a bunch of Song of Solomon commentaries, books, and articles that Mike had used in some of his research. I’m still in the middle of a large bin full of them. (This project may never end. My only hope is that a higher-priority project will put this one on pause for a time.)

Because of what I am doing, I’ve had to read, skim, and even type large portions of the text of these resources. While I have not sat down with the intent of taking in any whole book or article, I have certainly absorbed a lot of what has been before my eyes this entire time.

Despite the wide variety of opinions and angles that these authors have taken on these texts, it is somehow all working together in my mind and really impacting me (in a variety of ways).

At first, I was slightly annoyed. Helping a friend plan her wedding (which I am actually delighted to do) and spending more than 30 hours each week staring at the Song of Solomon did not seem like ideal tasks for someone who was walking through very painful boy-related things. (Lest everyone jump to conclusions, these very painful boy-related things are not about Richard. No… please don’t try to figure out the private details of my and other people’s lives at this moment.) But God has certainly used the project to move my heart, on numerous occasions. Sometimes (read, often-times) this started from the place of intense pain and then moved into deep heart-impact. (Like I’ve mentioned before, God really knows how to use our pain.)

(Just a quick side note, this task has had its painfully awkward moments as well. Honestly, I’m not too squeamish around sex-talk… something that abounds in writings about the Song of Solomon. I won’t get into details about the one book, but I thought the thing was going to kill me. It should have been labeled with serious “Stay away!” warnings for single women. That’s all I have to say.)

And then we have the prayer room.

I did decide, a few weeks ago, to start going to Cassie Campbell’s worship with the word on my night off. I did it for the sake of my heart… and it has really paid off. She is currently doing Song of Solomon. This would be my one intentional step in the direction of Song of Solomon.

However, I have also accidentally stumbled across a lot of this book while watching the prayer room webstream. Just in the last few days, both non-NightWatch sets that I randomly chose to watch from the webstream ended up being Song of Solomon worship with the word sets. (These are from teams that I don’t usually see/hear.)

All of these prayer room sets, (Cassie’s and the two other teams’) have made me cry. A lot. And I have encountered the Lord pretty profoundly.

I don’t think I’ve ever accidentally studied a book before. In all truth, though, I am pretty sure it didn’t just happen. SOMEONE was being pretty intentional about pursuing my heart with all of this.

Well, that was sigificant

I talked to Amanda earlier this week and we decided to change the structure of our night off.

USUALLY, we shop during the day and then we have people over (Amanda cooks, I bake) from midnight to 6 AM each Thursday. But it was becoming rather hard on our little introvert hearts.

So, the new plan still involves time with friends. This just happens from 10 PM to 2 AM instead. And I am now going to the prayer room for two hours… on my night off (… from the prayer room).

I did it for my heart. I have spent the entire week watching the last 20 minutes of last week’s Thursday 2 AM set over and over and over again. And it’s Cassie Campbell (& team)… singing through Song of Solomon. (Cassie is one the greatest gifts of the NightWatch. One of many IHOP treasures hidden in the night.) What further explanation could you need?

Anyway, I’m thinking this is one of the best decisions I have ever made with my schedule. The time in the prayer room tonight was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G.

It would be hard to fully describe what happened in my heart tonight. But it was huge. In short, I have been saying, “Not yet, God. I’m not ready to go there yet. I’ll say yes later, God. Not now, God,” for a very long time. And I finally said yes tonight.

And now for the million subsequent yeses…

This painful season is so worth it. So very worth it.

Random String of Emotions

I wanted to write a post about the things that are on my mind. I was going to call it “Grateful” because I am full of gratitude right now.

Then I realized that a lot of what was on my mind was really intimidating and I was scared. Change of plans: I was going to call it “Grateful & Scared”.

Then I realized that a lot of what was on my mind was…

I could keep going like this for a while. We’ll just stop there and sum it up with this: I am feeling A LOT of emotions right now. (I’m feeling. Let’s just pause for a moment to thank the Lord for that one. My heart is alive. So very alive. That wasn’t always true.)

When I said that I would stop there and sum it up, I didn’t mean to stop the entire post. At least I didn’t think that I did.

I started to write about the things that are on my mind.

I realized that this wasn’t stuff to blog about. Not yet.

I highlighted and deleted huge chunks of text.

I stopped and realized that there was nothing left but a play-by-play skeletal description of an event that was never allowed to… happen. Happening is to events as living is to organisms. It seems that there was no event after all.

The post could not bear witness, itself, to the fact that it nearly existed. It could not bear witness because it did not exist. Nonexistent anythings are nothing at all. Something must exist to truly be or do anything.

I judged it as right to leave this. I saw it fitting to leavesome evidence of a thing that nearly existed but was never allowed.

Here this is. And here that isn’t.

Or is it?

Missing the Defenses

With the exception of losing my mom, I have probably never allowed myself to feel pain like this before. Maybe that devastating experience isn’t even an exception. It’s hard to compare the extent to which your heart is crushed by pain. And, really, the loss of my mom is an element of the pain that I am presently feeling. So, again, comparison is irrelevant here.

I had all of these powerful defenses that kept me from feeling pain in my life. And I executed them with great proficiency.

Shutting down my emotions used to be my first defense. I’ve blogged quite a bit about this, so I won’t develop it here. In any case, that is no longer an option. The cost is too high. Life is too valuable.

So… emotional deadness and zombie-esque living… that’s out.

Pray for Me, a Shameless Plea

I think I have pretty much recovered from onething. Any excessive exhaustion from this point forth, I will simply attribute to fasting (GBF and all) and the nature of my normal schedule.

I am really excited about the next month. It’s going to be a season of very intense focus and time given to really pursuing the Lord.

I have come to the end of my strength and I am seeking God’s strength. I have been experiencing deep sorrow and I am seeking God’s comfort. I am full of internal traffic and chaos and I am seeking God’s peace.

As a part of that, I am letting go of some of the crutches that God hasn’t already stripped away. You know, embracing voluntary weakness, forsaking false comforts, all that good stuff.

I am designating significant time each day (for this next month) to spend in solitude and silence, communing with the Holy Spirit.

In the word, I am focusing primarily on Hebrews and Hosea, and the Psalms. I am also going through a couple of books and talking to the Lord about their subjects: “Invitation to Solitude and Silence” and “Hiding from Love”.

(Ummm… not that I hide from love or anything crazy like that. Just like I’m surely not in the midst of an invitation to solitude and silence. Ummm… yeah…)

Thus far, it has been really amazing. And REALLY painful. I mean… really. Both.

I tell you all of that to ask for your prayers. There are some things that really need to happen in my heart. I am driven by desperation into this place of seeking. And I know that He is going to meet me. He’s the one who called me out here in the first place. But this is a really critical time for me. And I would appreciate all the prayer I can get.

I need a lot of grace right now. Of course, the simple fact that I am choosing this is evidence of the grace He is giving to press into this time. But, continuing to ask for grace sure doesn’t hurt.

Thank you for your prayers! (Go ahead: say a little 30-second prayer for me right now. It absolutely counts. And we’ll both benefit from you talking to God about me for a few seconds.)

The Worst Night of My Life

It has been 22 months since the worst night of my life. No, really… the worst night of my life.

I didn’t realize that it was the worst night of my life. I was just enjoying a night off with some friends. Audra Hartke, Sarah Stroer, Kirk Bryson and I were just sitting around Audra’s table and talking when I checked my phone. I had a message from my dad. Weird, that’s REALLY late for my dad to be calling me. My mom wasn’t doing well and we needed to pray for her. It startled me a little bit, but… surely it will be ok. Will it? I couldn’t get worked up about it… I had to just pray and trust. And so that’s what I did… I couldn’t stop praying or thinking about it. I was admittedly rather distracted from what everyone was talking about. I was more or less present, but it was constantly on my mind.

And then I got the devastating news.

February 12th, 2007, my mom passed away. Completely unexpected. When everything SEEMED to be going relatively well.

Reservedly Transparent – Honest & Open

This is a continuation of the thought I began to develop in my last post. As I have already said in that post:

I tend to be a fairly transparent and open person. … I somehow simultaneously manage to be fairly quiet and reserved in the midst of that transparency.

The last post discussed the quiet end of this supposed duality. This post explores the excessively honest end.

Reservedly Transparent – Silent & Vague

I tend to be a fairly transparent and open person. I guess I usually figure that I don’t have much to lose if people know the truth. I somehow simultaneously manage to be fairly quiet and reserved in the midst of that transparency.

? – I’m not quite sure how that works.

When I am quiet, it’s usually for one of two reasons: 1. What is on my mind and in my heart cannot appropriately be expressed. 2. I don’t have anything to say.

Nothing Much

I drank painful quantities of  incredible wassail on Thursday night. INCREDIBLE. We found the most magical apple cider in the world. I don’t think future wassail could ever top that.

I have a prophetic egg-shaped alarm clock that is really fun to spin like a top. That’s right, prophetic. I’ve had the thing for one week and it has done 4 crazy “Ummm… OK, wow” things already. Hey, if God wants to talk to me through an alarm clock, I’m game.

New Jersey is really funny. My news magazine had a little story snippet about a two-hour stand-off at a bank… between the police and what was apparently a really threatening CARDBOARD CUT-OUT. Way to go, NJ!

The socks I am wearing right now are ridiculously warm. I can hardly stand it. But I didn’t properly warmify my feet last night when I left the house, so I figured I owed it to my feet to over-warm them tonight.

We’re about to reorganize our fridge. That makes me really happy.

Timothy Edwards fascinates me. I know I probably shouldn’t be so impressed… but he seems super smart for being so tiny. (Though tiny is also beginning to seem rather huge.) It’s REALLY fun to watch him organize things. He has a gift! (It made my organization-loving heart really happy.) And he’s super cute. Especially when he’s wrestling with his dad. Watching that little guy was one of the highlights of my night.

I’m a little sad about the fact that I will be out of town on my birthday. But I’m really excited about being in Montana for Christmas. I hope it snows in KC before I leave… REALLY huge drifty flake-clusters of glory… that’s what I’m looking for. And it has to snow in Montana on my birthday… it just has to.

I glitter-glued happy trees tonight.

Wendy: Yeah, but I don’t think that makes me weird.
Christine: It makes me different.
Wendy: I know, it’s weird.

OK… so maybe it was funnier when it was way past my bed-time. Wait… it is past my bed-time. Oh well… whatever. I’m still amused.

I am in one of those “stay up late crying” modes. So I thought a random blog post would be a nice diversion for a little while. But now… back to the prayer room.

I Hate Fantasy

This seems like it is a subject worthy of a much longer post, but I am not going to delve as far into this topic as I could, right now.

Fantasy is a REAL issue for me… one of my most developed weaknesses. It started when I was an anxious little girl who couldn’t sleep. Fantasy was an escape. A distraction. A happy place. And it has had well over two decades to be developed into the ferocious beast that it is now.

I quickly grew attached to the wonders of living in my head. Fantasy was such a great way to escape from actually feeling whatever pain was in my life. I could just imagine a different life. Or I could imagine a few simple modifications to my present reality. In any case, it saved me from having to feel. And I decided pretty early on in life that feeling was a thing to be avoided.

And then came my “inner healing” journey of the last three years. Oy.

Fantasy for me has always primarily revolved around relationship. This kind of fantasy is a weakness for most girls. (Chick flicks do wonders to help send you spiraling down this path, by the way… nothing to get your imagination going like a “why don’t I have that?” love story.)