Did I really just get fired?

February 4, 2007

Well, that was a new experience…

For the first time in my life, I have officially been fired. Yes… I shall explain.

For months, I have been dreading Friday and Sunday nights, when I run screens at our EGS and FCF services.  For some reason, my heart hasn’t been in it and I’ve just been ready to get out of it. In fact… I got to the point where I was almost desperate to quit. In fact, in my most recent email update, this was prayer request number 2. On top of that, I was asking all of my friends AND my prayer room team all to pray for me concerning this.

Here’s where it gets complicated. I have a little work scholarship through the media/IT department to do this job. This constitutes a huge portion of my tiny monthly budget. And the most consistent portion, at that. Every month, I just barely have more than I need in order to pay the bills.  Just barely. So to let go of this scholarship right now would be disastrous for my budget.

So, within the last week, I wrote an email. Earlier in the day, it was going to be the email that told them I wanted to begin to transition out, but didn’t know what kind of time frame, since I couldn’t afford to lose the scholarship right now. By the end of the day when I actually wrote it… I told them how much I wanted to quit, how much I dreaded the weekends, how much my heart wasn’t in it, the reasons why I was currently unable to quit, and suggested a final alternate plan that might make it more bearable for me. (The solution was something they had shot down before — for me to do both notes and worship at Sunday’s service. I knew it was unlikely, but it was kind of a desperate attempt to make things better somehow.)

I didn’t hear back concerning the email. But… when I showed up Friday night to do my job, we had a talk.  She informed me that there have been issues (such as my inability to get it through my head that they don’t want me to do both jobs at one service). And they had decided that, at this point, it would just be better if they let me go. (Change “me” to “you” and that’s pretty much a direct quote.)

I gladly agreed, and we proceeded to talk a bit about the issues. I mentioned the fact that I’ve been late every Friday for the last few months. She mentioned the fact that my attitude has kind of sucked. And so on. (We also discussed the fact that it has not always been like this… only recently. Though what caused it to change is still a mystery to me.)

It was completely legitimate… their desire to just get rid of me. I have not been serving with excellence for the last few months, and that fact has been killing me. As much as I have despised the job itself, I have tried again and again to motivate myself to do better. But to no avail.

Ultimately, this is exactly the end that I wanted: I’m not doing screens at the services anymore. But it was definitely not the route I wanted to take to get there. I got fired!

It’s one thing to perceive that I have not been serving well lately. But it’s altogether different to have someone else tell me that my attitude sucks. Hello humility. Suddenly I know, by the words of another, that all of my conclusions concerning my poor service are not merely my own harsh self-criticism. A well-known habit of being overly harsh with myself is far easier to deal with than the fact of this being the actual truth.

This also leaves me with one more problem: My bills for the next month. On the afternoon of February 2nd, I had $3.15 in my checking account… until the 15th, when I would get my check through IHOP. Not too bad, really. On the evening of February 2nd… I had $3.15 until the end of the month. A very different reality.

So… I am admittedly quite nervous. I have a credit card bill that is due on the 16th. And rent is due at the end of the month. Apart from the fact that I believe the Lord is faithful to provide somehow, it presently appears that I will be quite short on both.

The whole thing is kind of funny, in a way. On one hand, it is the answer to many prayers. I really wanted to quit. But on the other hand… it feels like the discipline and consequences of my fears and disobedience. …

In the midst of my desperation to quit, I really feel like the Lord was actually speaking to me. I don’t know if this makes any sense or not… but I actually had VISION to not be doing this particular job anymore. There were all sorts of things that I wanted to be able to better focus my time and energies on. And I really wasn’t getting anything out of the services, as I was generally quite distracted by my job and the people I was working with.

But I could not bring myself to quit. It seemed too irresponsible to do this when I didn’t have the finances lined up to replace the scholarship. I needed to have all of my ducks in a row, first. Well… now there are no ducks… and little hope of assembling anything into a neat little row.

So, here I am: scared… somewhat embarrassed… and learning to trust the Lord and receive His discipline.



  1. Oh beloved, I am praying for you for sure!!!!! 🙂

    kinda funny story though…very well written!

  2. Thank you! (For the prayers and the feedback.)

    See… this is why I stay up really late. I write better. This comment, on the other hand… written at 3:40 in the afternoon. Not so great.

    OK… that’s some pretty blatant excuse-making…

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