February 27, 2007

I’m not sure that I am ready to head back to Kansas City on Wednesday. It feels too soon.

On the one hand, I really miss IHOP. I miss my community… I miss the prayer room. I miss doing what we do every day. The return seems long-overdue.

On the other hand, I am rather terrified. Going back to Kansas City is going to be hard. Really hard. And I don’t want to leave Texas yet. I don’t want to stop spending time with my dad. I don’t want to leave the safety and solitude that I have finally found here in the last few days.

Things always seem to intensify when I am in Kansas City. Purposing in my heart to be still allows everything else to catch up to me while I sit there in His presence. At present, many things have yet to catch up to me. I kind of dread the moment when they do.

Now that my mother is gone, so much in my life is changed. (Well… everything in my life is changed.) I know that there are many ways in which Kansas City is going to be a very different place to me now. And these unknowns of that formerly familiar and safe environment are frightening to me.

Prior to my mother’s death, I had been wrestling through a lot of really deep heart issues. While none of it completely stopped,  there is an extent to which many things were really put on hold. They still came up. I was still working through stuff. But the overwhelming nature of my present circumstances kept me somewhat distant from it. Returning to Kansas City places me right back in the middle of all of those trials in a very real way. Can my heart, panting and depleated of strength, handle what lies ahead?

So much is uncertain about the days to come. And the few things that I know I can expect kind of scare me. And yet I know that He is with me. He has carried me through these last two weeks, and He is continually beside me. Whatever I can’t see of the days ahead, He is big enough to handle. That which I do know is coming… His grace is sufficient for me. He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

I’m scared. I cannot deny that. I cannot hide it. And I cannot talk myself out of it. But delaying the inevitable challenges will not accomplish anything beneficial. I have to move forward. I have to keep trusting. I have to believe. I have to hope.

He will not fail me. He will not leave me. He will not forget me. He will not give me up.


One comment

  1. amen.

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