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Mother’s Day

May 6, 2007

Someone asked me tonight if I have been crying a lot in the last few days. I was a little surprised by her question, as I had not really significantly cried yet today. But she was correct. Apparently my face was “screaming it”.

The last three days have been exceptionally difficult. My pain has reached a new level of intensity for the week. There are three main causes for this: Mother’s Day, Psalm 15, and a Dream.

Mother’s Day
Who knew that such a harmless holiday could be so unpleasant. I’ve actually yelled (out loud) at amazon.com twice for sending me mother’s day emails. Grrr…

It’s just painful. I can’t call my mom on mother’s day. I can’t lavish gifts on her. (And I have a great discount on some of her favorite stuff… books and music and candles and oils.) There have been so many things that I have seen and wanted to buy for my mom. But that would be completely pointless now, wouldn’t it?

Mother’s day just hurts because it seems to rub it in… the fact that I don’t have my mother anymore.

Do me a favor. If you still have the opportunity, go out of your way to really bless your mothers this mother’s day.

Psalm 15
On Wednesday, I was reading Psalm 15. (It was technically the third (after midnight), so I was reading Psalms 11-15. I read through the Psalms once a month.)

A couple of years ago, my mom had a dream with Psalm 15 in it. It was essentially a dream about her and I serving the Lord together. Considering the dream and my present reality made me just kind of lose it. Thus began the flood of tears that has my eyes (and whole face, for that matter) in perpetual puff-mode.

A Dream
And then came the most difficult of my three present pressures to agitate the fact that I was already missing my mom tremendously.

The other night, I had a dream. My mom had not actually died, and she was explaining to me how the misunderstanding happened. In the dream, her presence was proof enough that she wasn’t dead, so it didn’t matter that her explanation made no sense at all.

It was one of those dreams that is about 98% emotion. One that is not so much about the dreams that are happening, but that centers around the emotions felt. (A dream that is emotionally exhausting.)

I was so clingy in the dream. I was desperate to be with her. I sat as close to her as I possibly could and simply would not leave her side. I was terrified of losing her again. I was thrilled to have my mother with me, but I couldn’t even fully enjoy her presence. I was so suffocated by the fear of losing her again. It was unbearable.

Anyway, I woke up exhausted. And then I had to sort through all of that. It was so real. Seeing her face again and hearing her voice again. It was as if she was torn from me a second time upon waking up.

I loved my mother. I miss her more than I can possibly describe.

I was completely restless last night. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t escape from the dream of then night before. So I am a little more emotional than usual, struggling with an intensified pain at losing my mother… and sleep-deprived.

Just showing up for my IHOP commitments and responsibilities is an incredible challenge right now. The prayer room just makes me cry more. I just want to go hide out somewhere and cry. I want to be able to actually sleep. But I am also somewhat afraid of what other dreams may come if I do successfully sleep.

Last night I was trying to do screens for our set and I had to just give up. I put the verse up that they were going to develop and decided that they could do without choruses and everything else. I texted Kacie to see if she could take over. When she got there and found me curled up in the corner of the sound booth, though, she decided that it would just be better to sit down on the floor with me and pray. So… no screens for about an hour of our set last night.

I know that God will carry me through this. I know that He will. I trust Him. But it really hurts.

How long?

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6 comments

  1. Christine,

    I love you and am praying…any words beyond this would feel just like words. God knows my heart for your family and knows exactly what you need…so I give you and your dad into his capable hands.

    Blessings,
    Twila


  2. i am praying for you… still. always. yes.

    and i’m still giggly about the stripes kid walking by at ever-the-most-opportune moments. he has impeccable timing. it’s true.


  3. I can totally identify with everything you are saying. Mother’s Day always seemed so harmless until there is no mother there to celebrate anymore. Everytime I see a commercial or get an email about Mother’s Day it just drives it further home that she is gone.

    About the dreams…isn’t it amazing (heartbreaking) how realistic they are? And that it doesn’t seem at all out of the ordinary that she is there? You always wake up completely drained…wanting to go back to sleep just to see them again but knowing that when you wake up they will still be gone.


  4. I’m not sure if this will help any. I had a few really horrible dreams about daddy for a while. But as time went on, they became less. I kept praying God would not let the enemy use my own dad against me in my sleep. Eventually I started having this dream about him in a white house… everytime I would dream of him in that house something new happened. At first the dreams still made me sad, but not the same horror of other dreams. Finally I had my last dream about him in the white house… it was the most amazing comfort and peace from that dream… tell you more if you want… I guess just pray God blesses your dreams with her. And that one dream made up for all of the bad ones… after that I didn’t have any more bad ones actually…I mean that probably doesn’t help.. but anyway… I love you bunches!


  5. Love you sis. Thanks for sharing your heart, allowing us to share your grief.


  6. We are praying for you…



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