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The Conversation with Leah

May 20, 2007

I recently promised to write a post about an extremely helpful conversation that I had with Leah Morgan. Then I hit a really rough period in which I had little will to do anything. So… it may be a bit overdue, but here is that post!

As I mentioned, I had been thinking a great deal about leaving the night watch. I just wasn’t talking to anyone about it. (At first I didn’t even fully realize the extent to which I wasn’t talking to anyone about it. Thus, I do not think that I can accurately explain why I wasn’t talking to anyone.)

I am one of those people about which it has often been said, “She would never leave the night watch.” Of course, a lot of people about which those words (or the “He would” variation of those words) have been stated are now on days (or were for a time). I’m pretty sure these words can never be 100% certain for any individual. Even the moon hangs out in the day-lit sky at times.

So why did I want to leave the night watch? Because it would be my decision.

This is the gem that Leah and I stumbled upon when we talked that night.

When you go through significant loss like that, your whole world kind of gets flipped up-side-down (that is, if the violent shaking still leaves something that resembles the former “up-side”, which can then be identified as facing down, post-disruption).

It’s rather frustrating (to say the least). Suddenly, lots of REALLY significant things about your life start to change as direct and indirect results of that major loss… and you have absolutely no control over any of them.

Being out of control sucks. And it is very natural to grasp for things that you CAN control.

So I found myself wanting to change a lot of things. Little things, big things… anything! I emailed Anne about changing my service hours. I bought new furniture. I tried lots of new things. I got a new job. … I considered leaving the night watch.

The appeal of leaving the night watch was this… it was a significant change in my life that would be the result of my choice.

The immense difficulty of mother’s day has also lead me to make another change. I am not going to tell you what that change is, yet. I’ll update you once it has happened. But I will tell you this…

The thing that I am doing/changing has absolutely no logical or rational reasoning behind it. Seriously. In fact, good, clear thinking would tell me not to do it. But it is relatively harmless. I’m doing it because I feel like it. I wanted to do something a little bit out there. And I think that is ok. So… unless I back out tonight, look for an update on Monday.

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7 comments

  1. Well now I’m so curious I’ll have to check your blog obsessively for the next several hours…j/k


  2. I know what it is… but I live with her, so I guess that doesn’t quite count…


  3. Does it have anything to do with blue hair?! : )


  4. You will post photos, won’t you? I’m dying to see it!


  5. Yes and Yes. 🙂


  6. Yea!!!!!!


  7. I seem to have somehow misplaced my hot-sync cable. So… pictures of my hair are somewhat delayed right now. Sorry to leave you hanging! As soon as I can locate that thing, I’ll get the pictures right up.



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