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Another Season of Tears?

August 1, 2007

(Disclaimer: I typed this very fast and without any preplanning or careful consideration of what I was saying. I just started typing and stopped when I stopped. I kind of quickly skimmed it, pre-posting… but I am up past my bedtime and NEED to go to sleep. I feel ok just posting it anyway. But… read at your own risk.) 

So… I never really stopped crying… but it’s becoming a very frequent thing again in the last few days.

1 – I’ve spent a lot of time crying lately over some relational difficulties that have arisen within my circle of friends. Broken relationships are painful. Seeing people you love that are really hurting is painful. Being one of the causes of someone else’s pain is… painful.

2 – My first morning in the 6am section, they prayed a lot for the night watch. I cried. Then someone prayed for the “forerunner families who are raising their kids on the night watch.” I just left the team of those forerunner families (the three night watch babies)… I cried a lot more. (Oh… and I hadn’t slept since the day before.)

3 – My mom…

Today’s scenario was interesting.

We had a ministry time for people who need healing, and I end up deciding not to pray for the guy next to me for some reason. Then someone steps over me to pray for someone behind me that I hadn’t noticed. Though many more people have gathered to pray around him (in comparison to the guy 2 chairs away from me), I decide to stand up, turn around, and awkwardly reach. (And I think to myself, “Hmm… it would be SO much easier to pray for the other guy.”)

Meanwhile, the worship team is singing “Grace Like Rain”… a song my mom absolutely loved. We had my grandfather sing Amazing grace at her service… and she absolutely loved the “grace like rain” thing on Todd Agnew’s CD. So I am kind of thinking, “sigh… my mom.”

So, we’re praying for healing for this guy’s high blood pressure. And I do that thing where I am thinking about the prayer request and wondering if I could request prayer for that. (I’m not a particularly humble person… and that can get in the way of asking for prayer sometimes.) And then it hits me how serious high blood pressure really is.

High blood pressure killed my mom.

I’m standing there praying for this guy… and I just start bawling. Seriously, I lost it. I had to sit back down and snot all over myself.

I miss her so much. I miss the things we did together. I miss her encouragement and love. I miss getting to do things for her. I miss her insights and her input in my life. I miss her sense of humor. I miss her love of music and worship. I miss our conversations. I miss everything about her.

I don’t understand why, but some times are just a lot harder than others. I seem to be back in one of those times where I am constantly thinking about how much I miss her. How much I just want to sit and talk with her.  How much I lost the day that death got it’s momentary victory.

I can’t wait for Jesus to come back. He’ll heal the broken relationships. He’ll make everything right. The saints will be together with Him… all of us. There will be peace and righteousness… justice on the earth. Love will abound and wickedness will cease. I am so sick of waiting.

God, I need your presence. Let me abide in You as I wait for the full manifestation of Your kingdom. I want to walk in communion with the Spirit. If I’m not leaning, I’m not going to make it. If my hope fades, I’ll wither within. Stir up that confident and joyful expectation within me. I know who You are and I believe Your promises. Just come! Raise up that unified cry within Your church… that we would all turn from our distractions and cry out from that ache within us, “Come, Lord Jesus, come!” Let us join with the Spirit and join with the groan of creation. This isn’t working. We need You.

My pain reminds me of my desperate need for Him. I’m really desperate.

Well… all of that was kind of word splat. I needed to type, so I typed. Sorry if there are horrendous typos, spelling errors, or disjointed leaps between thoughts. Or… if there was too much information. I am pretty sure that I didn’t cross into any of the things that I have designated as unblogable (because some things in my life will and must remain private).

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2 comments

  1. Dearest Christine:
    We also miss your Mom. And I can understand
    what you are going thru. I too have lost many
    relatives, friends those I worked with, and shared
    so much of life with. Some I will see someday, and are looking forward to that day. Maybe it will be soon. But there are some that I will not see and that
    worries me. Was my testimony to others as pure as it should have been ? Make your life be full of his Love and spirit so that God will be glorfied, and you will
    know God’s Peace. Grandpa & grandma Wasinger


  2. I love you friend and am praying for you!



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