Do You Ever Just Want to Give Up?August 21, 2007
I’m there. I am completely there right now.
Everything hurts. My head is pounding and my stomach is a mess. My heart feels like it has been ripped to shreds and then rolled over (I’m thinking steamroller). My pride is severely wounded. My confidence is completely shot. Everything hurts.
Everything feels like it is too much for me. I kind of wonder how I am going to make it through the next week. I kind of wonder how I am going to make it through the next few minutes.
I just got done crying so hard that my nose bled and I nearly threw up. I’m actually not sure that I’ve ever cried quite that intensely before. Even the night that I got the phone call telling me that the most important person in my life was gone.
It started in that place. “Oh, God, I miss her.” And then the gasping and heaving and clawing and sobbing and writhing.
It doesn’t go away. It doesn’t stop. It doesn’t just magically get better. I still miss my mother terribly and I still can’t have her back.
I sit here asking the question, “Seriously, how long?” This world is a miserable, wretched, broken place. And this is one of those times that everything within me is united with the cry of creation. Come back! Seriously. How much longer until You bring justice? How much longer until You fulfill Your promises?
I am almost certain that, if the Holy Spirit were taken from me for even one second, I would completely implode. My frame is far too weak and brittle to stand against even one of the millions of things that are pressing in on me.
My life feels like a total disaster right now. A shattered mess.
My body is flipping out because I left the night watch. Seriously. I think I really was made for that schedule because this just isn’t working. Even when I get enough sleep.
Someone I care a great deal about is “evaluating our friendship” and warned me in advance that they would be regularly inviting all of my friends over and excluding me for the next few weeks. While I suppose there may be some shred of hope in that time of evaluation… from where I am standing, it looks like I have been completely discarded. I’m not even sure where I would find even the tiniest bit of confidence to be in that friendship again if this person does decide that I have any value. So, really, what is left if they don’t decide to throw me away, after all?
I have another friend who has been totally there for me and is still… right there. But our friendship is remarkably confusing and awkward. I’ve never had so many DTRs in my life as I have had with this one person. And believe me, there’s nothing happening there. But he’s close enough that I freak out from time to time. And I am puzzled by how difficult it has been to just simply walk out a good, healthy friendship. Admittedly, the questions and comments of some of my friends have not been too helpful in this matter.
Then we have the Daniel Academy. What I expect to be my phenomenal failure of 2007. I seem positioned for a great many failures right now… but the Daniel Academy is going to be a big one. 11 students who will suffer because of my emotional instability, the resulting procrastination, and my total inability to exercise good stewardship of the responsibility that has been given me. 11 students who I want(ed) to serve… but mostly just want to completely bail out on right now.
I was completely unprepared for the first day of class… and it showed. Even if I do manage to pull myself together, I will suffer the consequences of that first day for quite some time. If I could back out now without breaking my contract, regretting it a month later, and absolutely loathing myself for a REALLY long time, I would totally do it… right now.
I hate it when people ask how I am doing. I either lie and say “I’m good” or end up being shamefully honest with them. No matter how little I share of what a mess I feel like my existence is right now, I always end up feeling guilty for spewing any of that junk at them. Then again, I feel fake when I give the expected and socially acceptable “I’m good” response.
And then we have the bookstore. I absolutely love the bookstore. It has been pretty stressful lately and I feel like I am completely in over my head. But I love the challenge. I thrive on the challenge of it. I wanted to scream when I learned that we had lost YET ANOTHER cashier while I was still desperately flailing my arms about to try to get my head above water with the schedule. At the same time, I was rejoicing at the distraction of it.
The bookstore has become almost a drug for me right now. There’s a reason I stay there all the time. It helps me procrastinate with the Daniel Academy. It keeps my mind occupied enough that I can’t spend too much time thinking about how completely shattered my life feels right now. It distracts me from the pain that I am feeling at the loss of my mother. There’s no way to describe how much I miss that woman. And how much I feel like I need her right now. Especially right now.
I’ve probably notably disappointed at least 50 people in the last week alone. I’m sure I’ve offended plenty. I don’t even want to think of how many I may have hurt.
I feel so irresponsible right now. Like such a disappointment. (That is, to everyone except God… and the handful of people wo have been occupied enough with their own lives that they didn’t realize how upset they should be with me.) Where would I be without His steadfast love?
God keeps reminding me that He is good. He keeps jumping in to rescue me at all of these really opportune moments. Another, “Hey! I’m on your side and you’re going to make it!” But I’m still stubborn and foolish enough to doubt. He reminds me again and again that His grace is sufficient. But I’m not sure that I am going to figure out how to embrace and walk in that grace.
Self-hatred is really hard to avoid.
I believe Him. I believe His promises. I KNOW that He is greater than all of this junk in my life. I know that He can carry me through this. And I think that my pathetic little yes is strong enough that He’s going to do it. But it would just be so easy to give up right now.
Part of me wonders if this is what the wilderness really looks like. Or am I just being overly dramatic about my problems. It feels kind of wildernessy… when He takes me out into a barren and wretched place and then proceeds to strip me of every crutch… every comfort… every other source of pleasure in my life. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. But if it teaches me to lean on Him and love Him… it’s worth it. So long as I don’t fall away.
How do I cast off the idea of giving up completely? When I look at everything around me, it seems like the only solution. Yet I know that it’s not. I know that I can overcome through Him. I know that He is the one who lifts me up. I know that He is violently committed to saving me.
The Lord, the Lord God… compassionate and gracious… slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. I am so grateful for who He is. My life would be hopeless without these truths.
It is all going to get better… in a little while…