How I survived an Attack by Green Onions

September 27, 2007

Every once in a while, when you are cutting vegetables, they really don’t WANT to be cut. They, like us, enjoy wholeness at times. So, in order to stop you, they will organize a rebellion. With whatever strength they have left in them, they rally together and plan an attack.

This rare vegetable-cutting phenomenon happened to me today.

Two primary events make up the entire scene: I dropped a knife and I cried a lot.

Fortunately, these two events happened in the reverse order. Here’s the “long” version of the story:

I was chopping green onions when they decided to take a stand against this chopping action. They proceeded to make me cry like crazy. “Potent little suckers!” I’m always shocked when green onions make me cry.

Anyway, it was after I had run away for fresh air and began my gum-chewing defense that they really intensified their attack.

My eyes were still watering like crazy. The tears were unstoppable and it was beginning to become quite difficult to see anything.

And then it happened. I somehow lost my grip on the knife (surely the work of the onions themselves). All I could do was gasp and say a quick prayer: “Help!”

The knife, praise the Lord, landed with dull-side and handle on the the top of my foot and then bounced away (to the space from which my other foot had already fled). No blood. No more tears.

I finished chopping the onions and victoriously dumped the last bit of them into the bowl where they were to be united with some sharp white cheddar and a hint of mayonaise. The onions and their new bowl-mates are now chillin’ in the fridge and waiting to be topped off with some raspberry jam. I think that they are going to enjoy their new state of being. I just wish they hadn’t been so resistant in getting there.



  1. I can’t help seeing this as a metaphor . . . not that that’s appropriate, but, really, I just can’t help it. I’m working out “of what” even now. I want to say “I am a green onion.” Not that I’m convinced it makes any sense; I just want to say it. And, no, if I am a green onion, you’re not the intended victim of my violence.

  2. that’s awesome.

    i got cry-faced with an onion today at work, as well, and come to think of it, the slicer tried at that point to man-handle me into pain. i think the onions were out to get the human race today.

    we should have an onion appreciation day so that they feel welcome and useful as components to our daily diet… i’m just sayin’… the alternative (an onion-ruled nation where everyone cries and knives freely attack) is simply unacceptable.

  3. soooo I’m coming that way for the conference, and staying for an extra week or so…super stoked on life – we should do Jerusalem cafe!!

  4. Kacie – that’s too funny. I think you’re right. Onion appreciation day needs to happen as soon as possible. (What’s ironic is the regularity with which I have been declaring my deep love for green onions lately.)

    Meg – I’m super excited! Definitely, let’s do it.

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