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Turmoil

April 29, 2008

There is much turmoil within my heart right now. Much.

It’s so frustrating. I want to choose wisdom. But there is so much resistance inside of me. I feel so weak right now. So incapable of doing what is in my heart to do. Actually… that’s the problem… it’s not quite in my heart to do this. It just seems like it should be.

The Lord is setting all of these choices before me. Really difficult choices. And they are choices that are close to my heart and relate to very deep issues. There are two in particular that are, with the help of my most precious friends and the ever-present help of that one we call Helper and Holy Spirit, staring me in the face. Yes… they are staring me in the face.

Unfortunately, this post is doomed to be vague and potentially frustrating. There is a certain line that you must maintain when blogging… a certain line that tells you that some things can’t show up on your very public blog. And, like I said, the things I am struggling with now are deep issues of the heart.

It would be so much easier if the Lord told me that I had to do these things. “Case closed, I’m doing it.” But He isn’t really doing that right now. He’s just showing me that I have a choice… and inviting me to choose.

There are two roads. The one I am on and the one I could be on. He certainly isn’t shying away from telling me which is the better road to take. But has that settled the issue in my heart? NO!

Unfortunately, the better road is by far the harder road. It requires saying no to things that I want to do… things that are actually GOOD.

I’m not walking in disobedience. I don’t HAVE to change anything. But I think there is something better for me at the end of that other road… the one that I’m not walking down right now.

I want to come before Him with open hands as I talk to Him about this. But I can’t seem to pry my fingers open. Probably because I’m trying to use the knuckles of a hand that is firmly clenched onto something to pry loose the fingers of the other hand. It seems like I am going to keep slipping and hitting myself in the face as I sit and go at this hopeless task of prying those fingers. Oh, Lord, help me!

Why are some things so hard to let go of? Why is this such a difficult choice to make?

I could just give up and continue as I have been going. Continue down the road I am on. The Lord didn’t tell me not to. But I want the best. I want the better things. I want more of God… and I’m pretty sure the other road leads to more of God.

There are consequences to the road that I am on. The consequences look like unnecessary turmoil. Like the turmoil I am experiencing right now. If I stay on this road, I will always look longingly at the road I am not on. I will always wonder if I could do it… wonder if I could really say yes to that invitation the Lord has given and seems to refuse to revoke.

But getting to the other road is going to be very painful. It is going to require a severe severing.

And I know that I will miss this road. I know, as I venture down the other, that I will look longingly at this one, as well. Surely not forever… but definitely for a while. I will miss the things that I said goodbye to. I will miss those things that I so enjoy. I will wonder if the choice was worth it. And what if I decide to come back to this road again? All of that pain… only to take a cowardly step back to the familiar, comfortable, and relatively happy road that I am on. I am enjoying this road. I really am.

I feel childish and immature. I feel like this should be the easiest choice in the world. But I know that it isn’t. I know that the turmoil I am experiencing is legitimate. It just seems like I should be stronger than this. God doesn’t seem to think so. He knows my frame. He knows how difficult this is (and probably should be) for me. He knows that I need His strength to do this.

I know that it would bless the Lord, if I said yes to this invitation. It would be good for my own heart… and it would be voluntary love. Like I said, I think that road leads to more of God. I think it makes more space for Him in my life.

Well… I know that it will certainly create a big open space for the ministry of the Holy Spirit… that one we also call Comforter. I will feel the pain of the severing. I will feel the pain of loss. I know that it’s going to hurt.

But I know, also, that it is better.

Oh God, give me the strength to choose wisely. Give me the fear of the Lord. Holy Spirit, I know that you have the strength for this… and you live inside of me. Help me! Thank You, God, that You see my heart… You know my pain and my groanings… You look on this turmoil with compassion. Thank You that You are able, willing, and eager to help me.

God, I say yes to you. Help me to follow through with that terribly weak “yes”.

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2 comments

  1. You are so amazing, Christine! It is such a blessing to see a heart so open to the Lord, and so willing to do what blesses Him. There is blessing beyond what you know for taking the road He is calling you to.


  2. Hi Christine,

    Thanks for posting this… it totally read my mail… I will be praying for you… praying to Him who delights in you and your weak yes 🙂

    Helen



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