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Nothing Left

July 1, 2008

Something about my life has become rather difficult, of late. I’m not sure what to call that something. It’s not that life is unlivable. It’s just hard to do. (I doubt that this makes any sense.)

I’ll explain. Or I’ll attempt to do something that at least resembles explaining and may accomplish a similar result. I suppose you would call that explaining. I just have a feeling that it will be poorly executed.

Well… here it goes.

So, I’m really busy lately, right? (Yes… exceedingly.)

Most of my time, in the last several weeks (and in the next couple of weeks, as well) has been occupied with work… bookstore work. Long hours. Relatively little sleep. Days filled with a lot of stuff to do and be thinking about and keep track of, so as to follow through with my seemingly boundless list of present responsibilities.

And it’s consuming me. I mean… it’s completely devouring all that I have in me right now. My energy. My mental capacity. I seem to be doing just fine at work, for the most part. I can still count and organize things and come up with efficient systems and multi-task. I can still do my job and do it with excellence. But it takes everything. Everything.

I know this probably seems like a gross overstatement. And perhaps it is. But you could ask those who are around me… the people to whom I am trying to offer whatever is left. And they could tell you that there’s really… nothing left.

And by they, I mostly mean Richard. He keeps getting stuck with the remains of my self… the seemingly empty shell of self that is lost in a fog somewhere and has nothing to offer.

I had three days off this week. Kristen graciously (I seriously don’t know HOW she said yes to this) allowed me to NOT work during the Fascinate ’08 conference. She gave me the time off without a moment’s hesitation. Perhaps it was because she realized that those three days were my only potential time off for 3 and a half weeks. I don’t know.

During those three days, I really didn’t have the energy, time, or mental capacity to do all of the things it felt like I should be doing. I did some laundry. But I didn’t do a thing about the mess in my room. (The going-out-of-town, travel mess… and the I’m-too-busy-to-actually-put-things-away mess.) And so the time I’ve recently invested in making my room livable feels almost completely lost.

I had some good time with the people I love. Chats with Jen while I lay on her bedroom floor, completely exhausted. A long phone call. A very good day with the super close friend that I hadn’t seen in about a month. But… that guy I’m dating… he keeps getting stuck with the me that has nothing left.

Before we went out tonight, I wanted to start the evening by apologizing for my complete lack of with-it-ness this week. But it’s not a reality I have much power to change at the moment. And I probably would have just been voicing the extreme sense of insecurity I have in the failure of my mind to be fully coherent lately in desperation to find some sort of reassurance and affirmation to still the uneasiness.

I am slipping in and out of a complete fog all day, every day. I think my brain would vote for being unconscious, if it could. One moment, I am almost completely delirious. I’ll laugh at… well, everything. And I could start crying any moment. The next, my mind is strangely clear and everything seems to be working fine. One moment, I keep thinking people are (literally) turning into other people (like I was in a dream)… and in the next, I seem to be of a complete sound mind again. I am repeatedly imagining the number three in a string of numbers where it isn’t present. But then I’m fine… and I’m discerning and distinguishing and delineating and recognizing and counting perfectly.

When my brain seems mostly functional… there are these little bursts of insanity and significant mental failure. Things in my brain misfiring. And when my brain seems like a melted pile of goo and I can’t find my way out of the fog… I have these strange bursts of lucidness.

I don’t know how to explain it. Because I don’t understand it. I can’t keep up. I just know that the system is almost completely overwhelmed and my brain is doing funny things. (The system being… umm… me?)

It’s so frustrating.

Usually, when I am in a group or with a friend and I’m relatively quiet… I’m thinking. My thoughts are rapid and abundant and there’s just a lot happening in my head. Right now, however, it’s a totally different story. 95% of those silent times, there’s very little happening in my head at all. I’m usually sitting there lost or in a total daze. If there is much happening, I’m probably frantically trying to get out the fog… frantically trying to figure out what’s going on… desperately pleading for it to pass and clear up again.

It’s such a muddled mess.

I’m easily overwhelmed by people right now. But… then again… at moments… I’m completely fine.

I don’t get it. I don’t like it. I’m ready for this whole thing to be done. I’m ready for life to return to a somewhat normal-ish pace. (I’m realizing, lately, that my life has been mostly chaotic most of the time for most of the last year. That’s why I say normal-ish. And unless something changes, the next six months are likely to be pretty crazy as well. However, in about a week to a week and a half, I think the intensity is going to go back to manageable madness.)

Writing this right now feels like an important exercise. It’s like I’m trying to coax my brain into functioning. Work the muscle while I can. Take advantage of the little spurts of coherence and such. Press through the muddled mess of incoherent babble that I keep slipping into. (You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve had to go back and clean up this post as I continue to write it.) Use the more tangible letters and words and sentences to help me get a grip on the thoughts that keep slipping through my mind.

But now I must sleep. Inventory isn’t over yet. And I need to pack tomorrow, as well, because we leave on Wednesday morning.

Do you ever look back and go, “How did I get myself here? When did it become this out of control? How did this happen? How did I go from there to… here?” I’ve been asking a lot of those questions. And I definitely made a few choices along the way that helped get me here. But I’m still not 100% clear on what all went wrong.

Please pray for me. I need air!

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2 comments

  1. I’m praying. As for the relationship, just look at it as a good test. You’ll survive. I’m confident in you both.


  2. It sounds like you could use a nice, long, nap… I’m praying for you.



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