July 18, 2008

When I thought about writing this post last night, I pretty quickly settled on “Ugly” for the title. I kind of laughed to myself as I realized that “Beautiful” was the title of my most recent post.

However, I did not immediately find the courage to write this post. So I waited a while. And, in the meantime, I wrote a couple of random posts. Sigh… my accidental direct juxtaposition of opposite adjectives has now been lost. And now I’m calling it “Weak” instead.

Am I writing this introduction to give you the opportunity to enjoy that lost event? Or am I simply stalling? Does the answer to that question even matter?

Do you ever have those days when you wake up and you just don’t feel like “doing life” that day? Your eyes are puffy from crying before you fell off to sleep the night before… you’re tired and your whole body is aching… and the multitude of challenges that you are presently facing all feel so overwhelming?

Oh, Spirit of Life, revive me. I say yes to life. I say yes to hope. I’m so tired of resignation and death.

Today was definitely one of those days. Life hurts right now… even the good things kind of hurt.

I’m being introduced to a lot of dark places in my heart. I’m seeing so much of the ugly in me. Most of it is kindness, drawing me unto repentance. Most of it is God’s goodness, inviting me to agree with Him and rooting things out of my heart.

But I am also pressing forward through a barrage of accusation.

And, in the midst of it all, I am more profoundly aware of my weakness than I have been in a very long time.

I am weak. My strength is utterly depleted. I am weak. I cannot save myself. I am weak. I respond to pain and threat by shutting down. I am weak. I have deep need. I am weak. I am frequently governed by my fears. I am weak. I am subject to temptation. I am weak.  I’m exhausted. I am weak.

But I am not without hope.

I have a God who fights for me. The Spirit of Life dwells within me… that inescapable presence. He is able. He thinks upon the poor and needy. He loves the weak and lowly ones. He is abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. He sees me with eyes of compassion. He suffers long with my weakness.

God, have mercy on me, a sinner!

I love Him. I love who He is. My hope is sure. I know I’ll come out of this victorious, as overwhelming as it all feels now. I know I’ll come out… leaning on His strength, and revived with His breath of life.

I KNOW. But I am weak.


One comment

  1. Ok, I like that Richard guy and his prayer, but this one meant more to me. I suppose that’s to be expected. But, despite all of my bias, this truly is beautiful and more of an affirmation (of goodness and hope and life) than you might think.

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