July 19, 2008

I’m facing a lot of accusation right now. Around every corner. Literally. (No, really… it’s actually kind of amusing.) Anyway, I’m facing accusation about who I am. And how God could possibly be for me, being as dark as I am.

In IHOP-ese, I’m having a hard time with dark but lovely. I’m pretty solid on the dark end right now. I just need to really believe the other half again.

The truth. He is for me. Slow to anger… abounding in steadfast love. All of that. And, though I am pretty wretched, I am not hopeless… and I am ACTUALLY saying yes to Him right now… and that’s about all I can do.

But… saying yes is rarely a quick and easy fix. Saying yes often requires actually doing it about fifty times before the day is over. Especially in the areas where you have been saying no for a while.

Resignation is a big way that I say no. I cave under the threat, the accusation, the pain that is pressing in at me. I give up… relinquish life and freedom… shut down… cease to be REALLY living (at least in any way that resembles fullness). And my self begins to dissipate.

In one HUGE aspect of my life… I’ve been shut down for a while. Oh how it hurts when those things are revived. As I am choosing truth and stepping out of that lifestyle of resignation, the accusations only seem to be getting louder. Anything to stop me from actually following through with the resolve in my heart… the resolve to say yes to the Lord’s leadership and trust Him.

Last night, I had a moment of significant breakthrough. I call it Cycle 2. Why Cycle 2? Umm… because it happened during cycle 2 of our worship with the word set. The whole cycle was the Lord’s answer to the things I’ve been crying myself to sleep about.

Anyway, just a few minutes after Cycle 2, I was stepping out (a practical expression of saying yes to God right now) in an area where I have been living under my fears and accusations, and something painful happened again. I wanted to shut down. So… in the middle of saying yes, I had to say yes… again.

2 hours after Cycle 2, I had a long discussion with someone about things related to those areas where I am actively saying yes right now. The discussion made me realize how difficult it really will continue to be to say yes. The accusations flooded in. I got overwhelmed. I wanted to shut down again. So, once more… I had to say yes.

And it’s been like that. It’s been like that every few minutes. I’m pressing through something (saying yes)… the accusations scream over everything else… and I have to say yes again.

I could use another Cycle 2. When I get a chance, later, I plan on transcribing and posting Cycle 2. It was so good. Truth, truth, truth, all over the place.

Thank You, Holy Spirit, that You are dwelling inside of me.

Sigh… I’m going to make it. Because God IS for me. He just has to keep reminding me of that fact, in the midst of accusation. Thankfully, He’s always faithful to do so and never seems to tire of it.



  1. hey i love your post..always rely upon God’s great strength..God bless

  2. i’m proud of you, friend…

    grace, grace, grace

  3. This is my 2nd comment to you–and I don’t even know you! (I made the comment on grammar–the English teacher). I read some of your blog, for two reasons. I love IHOP and so I love the content (I’m one of those people who uses all my free time to fly up there) but also because of your transparent writing about the loss of your mom and your delayed grief; somehow when I stumbled across your blog it was right when you addressed that. I lost my mom in my 20s–and it wasn’t at all similar but I am pretty sure it’s a loss that feels unique to those who experienced it. So I hope I don’t sound like one of those weird stalker types. I sincerely appreciate your openness and writing through these things. It’s an encouragement–even down here in Texas 🙂 Many blessings to you!

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