Welcome, Change

October 3, 2008

So, as I partially enumerated in my last post, we are in the midst of a lot of changing circumstances in our community.

My relationship to change has shifted over time. In the past, I was more often than not annoyed or somewhat frightened by change. I eventually came to the place of being OK with it. At times, I was excited by it because of the challenge that it presented. New obstacles to overcome. New systems to be built and perfected. Once you’ve worked out the kinks and been operating smoothly and “perfectly” for a while, it begins to get old.

But change is now something that I embrace and welcome with open arms.

It’s not that my circumstances were bad and, thus, that all changes to those circumstances are necessarily good. I love my life. Some of the changes that are happening are definitely changes from bad to good, or good to far better. Yet, some of the changes are still frightening. Some of the changes are actually fairly sad. Some of the changes mean separation and loss.

Somehow, though, change has come to mean more than change. In some sense, change has come to mean life.

Life is constantly moving… constantly shifting. Breathing is movement. Wind is movement. The Spirit is movement. It is impossible to be alive and completely still. Spontaneous (and not completely systematic) movement is a necessity to life.

There was a time in my life that was completely dominated by the need to control. In such an existence, change is threatening and deadly. The only welcome change is that which is meticulously orchestrated and strategically implemented, at my own doing, adhering to my own plans, in accordance with my own will. Modifications towards efficiency and better performance of the machine.

Machines function without change. They have steady, consistent systems. Everything is the same. They function within controlled movement. Things are predictable. In fact, outcomes are certain, unless an outside factor comes in and makes something go wrong. There is no spontaneity in the machine. Machines are not alive.

I wanted to turn myself into a machine. Careful program my behaviors… my responses… my activities. I wanted to perform efficiently and consistently. I had no higher goal that to be a perfectly functioning machine.

I had long given up on life.

Existing as a machine was safer. Machines don’t feel pain. It was consistent. It was predictable. It was relatively untouchable. … And it was empty and completely without feeling. There was nothing… just systems. No love. No joy. Yes, I had eliminated pain. But with it, I was pushing away from myself life and everything that belongs to it.

Praise God, for jolting me out of that existence of death and emptiness. Praise God for giving me the courage to live again and walking me through pain and the difficult reawakening of emotions and dreams and joy… living.

Praise God for the Holy Spirit… the giver of life… who proceeds from the Father and the Son and is with me always.

God, let me be found loving life and truly embracing Your Spirit.


One comment

  1. i don’t know what else to say, but i am really proud of you. and really proud to know you.

    i praise God for the work he’s done and is still doing you. though i mildy cringe when i pray it because i know he’ll make good, “more, Lord. more…”

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