I Hate Fantasy

December 2, 2008

This seems like it is a subject worthy of a much longer post, but I am not going to delve as far into this topic as I could, right now.

Fantasy is a REAL issue for me… one of my most developed weaknesses. It started when I was an anxious little girl who couldn’t sleep. Fantasy was an escape. A distraction. A happy place. And it has had well over two decades to be developed into the ferocious beast that it is now.

I quickly grew attached to the wonders of living in my head. Fantasy was such a great way to escape from actually feeling whatever pain was in my life. I could just imagine a different life. Or I could imagine a few simple modifications to my present reality. In any case, it saved me from having to feel. And I decided pretty early on in life that feeling was a thing to be avoided.

And then came my “inner healing” journey of the last three years. Oy.

Fantasy for me has always primarily revolved around relationship. This kind of fantasy is a weakness for most girls. (Chick flicks do wonders to help send you spiraling down this path, by the way… nothing to get your imagination going like a “why don’t I have that?” love story.)

Because I have struggled with insomnia for most of my life, my forays into fantasy mostly happened in the middle of the night when I was struggling to sleep. I was just telling myself bed-time stories. Nothing wrong with that, right?


Anyway, when you get really skilled in the art of fantasy (which I did), you more-or-less cease to actually live in reality. You can easily become emotionally detached from life. (At least that’s what I did. That was the point, after-all.) But I have already written plenty about the painful undoing process of all of that self-deadening and numbing that defined the first 20 years of my emotional life.

This last year, the Lord has really been sobering me in this area. And by sobering, I mean that there has been a lot of painful conviction and repentance. In the last month or so, my process of turning away from fantasy has hit a new intensity level. We’re talking REALLY intense. The temptation to escape to fantasy and the circumstances that lend themselves to fantasy have been quite abundant. And my level of disdain for fantasy has hit an all-time high.

There are so many subtle expressions of it and now-involuntary gut reactions of fantasy in my life. This may be the primary thing that the Lord and I are working through right now. Honestly, the issue of love is the primarily thing that God has been poking at. But fantasy is more anti-love than I think we rightly realize. So I return to my original sentiment: this is the primary thing that the Lord is leading me out of.

Tonight, I was asking the Lord some pretty pointed questions about why it didn’t seem like I was reaping what I had sown in a particular situation. And I was more than a little upset about that perceived fact. I didn’t understand what I (and others) had done that would fully lead to the extremely painful consequences I am now experiencing.

Shockingly enough, God turned out to be right again on this one. I was reaping what I had sown after-all.

A while back, I made a pretty huge decision that can be most generally summed up as choosing fantasy over reality. To explain any further in this particular situation would be getting a little too personal for a blog (believe me, you would even be uncomfortable with how much I was telling you). But… there was a moment in time… there was a decision… and I chose my well-developed fantasy over reality.

And now I am reaping the consequences of that decision. Have I mentioned that I have been crying A LOT lately? Tonight’s status update (facebook) of “Christine is fairly sad…” was not the only of its kind in recent history.

So, you see, I just needed to take a moment to emphatically state that: I HATE FANTASY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Oh… and while I am saying things: the Lord is really merciful.)


One comment

  1. The whole time I reading this I though the title was “I Hate Friday” so about halfway through I had to go back a reread the title and then start over from the beginning.

    It just didn’t make sense to me why you hated Friday 🙂

    Note to self – pay more attention to what you are reading

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