Posts Tagged ‘faith’

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The Passing Storms

June 6, 2015

Today’s tumultuous weather made it a difficult day to spend outside. But I snatched up any time I could between the stormy bursts.

As I leaned back in my chair and stared at the sky, I realized that the day’s shifting weather resembled my internal state.

The clouds were rushing by, continually changing the scene above me. It was fascinating and dizzying to watch.

One moment, the atmosphere was dark, heavy with a dense blanket of pewter and charcoal clouds. The next minute, I was viewing the cobalt expanse through wispy patterns of white that decorated the sky like delicate lace. In another instant, the sky was clear and bright, like the storm was nowhere near me.

Cotton… charcoal… cotton… lace… clear…

Likewise, my emotions have been rushing through me… never lingering… continually driven on by powerful forces.

For a few blissful moments, everything is cloudless and bright. Clarity. Truth. Joy. Only seconds later, I feel weighed down and lost in the dark. And then the cobalt breaks through again. I grasp at truth through a manageable haze. I can discern the accusations and lies from what is real, but the accusations don’t clear away. And then the downpour. And then the hail… The violent assault of hail…

The continual evolution is enough to make me feel crazy. Unstable, at the very least. It is both fascinating and dizzying to watch.

I’ve been heavily processing, over the last few days. Considering, weighing, grappling. But it hasn’t been a merely mental exercise. My whole being is engaged in the struggle. It has been bursting out from me in intermittent floods of tears.

At this point, I couldn’t tell you if the breakthrough or the confusion has been more dominant. But I don’t think it matters. Either way, those moments of clarity and truth are rising out of the chaos. The storm will pass. He will pull me out of the mire. And I will walk away stronger, knowing Him more.

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When Hope Feels Dangerous

May 21, 2015

My heart is broken as I realize I am terrified by hope.

I’m getting excited about a new doctor and dreaming again about finding answers. But every time hope surges, a flood of terror rolls in behind it. I don’t know what another round of disappointment will do to my floundering faith.

Will I still call Him good when the accuser piles “evidence” against Him? Will I let the Holy Spirit lead me into patience and peace?

Somewhere in my mess of doubt and faith, I know that He is good. Somewhere in that confused darkness, I know that His leadership is perfect.

The testimony of my own life has proven His sufficient grace. I have seen His steadfast love and faithfulness. I have trusted a power that was not annulled by my own weakness.

I hate how much I struggle to remember. I hate how pitiful I feel and how poorly I am coping.

Oh, to trust Him more!